Winning an Argument Without Being Right

When’s the last time you were in an argument with someone and you felt like a three-year-old could’ve articulated better than the person you’re arguing with? I had a really silly conversation with a professor when I insisted that my formula for calculating the area of an equilateral triangle was correct, but it wasn’t the one he was used to.

I learned a formula, b × (b + 1) / 2, that I used in programming to calculate the effort of a loop that decreased by one each time, like when processing a list. I used it to calculate the area of an equilateral triangle instead of the formula (√3 / 4) × a^2. He argued that if it were true, he should be able to calculate the area of a circle with the same formula. He worked it out on the chalkboard and proved my formula worked. Visibly irritated, he snapped the chalk in half and yelled “I’m RIGHT!”

Sometimes people run out of words when they’re not trying to make a point as much as trying to feel understood.

Winning Is Not Convincing

Asserting that you’re correct may shut the other person up, but it won’t bring them over to your side. Instead it drives a wedge between you and cements the argument in place as a monument to the time when you wouldn’t listen to each other. You tend to remember the argument with feelings of resentment, shame, or judgment.

Here’s a technique I’ve used to resolve conflict in my professional life with good results:

1. Understand
2. Inquire
3. Resolve

Understand

In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg shares that a person cannot listen to your perspective if they feel like you haven’t heard what they have to say. It’s like their ears are clogged. Understanding their perspective helps unclog them. This is not about being right or wrong. It’s about being willing to understand. And when you show a willingness to understand, you’re more likely to get them to understand you in return.

When I have a disagreement with a vendor or a coworker I try to remember to stop and listen. I make sure I fully understand their point. I’m amazed by the number of times they’ll get everything off their chest, feel understood, and then say: but let’s do «whatever my idea was». I often don’t have to prove myself right. I just need to show them I understand their position.

One good way to show them you understand them is to repeat what they said back to them. If you don’t understand something, ask them to tell you more about that part. Don’t worry about whether they’re right or wrong. Just focus on understanding what’s in their head. Rinse and repeat. Keep asking questions and letting them continue until they’ve gotten it all out. Eventually they’ll say nothing, and Rosenberg says that silence means they actually feel like you understand them.

Two things that detract from them feeling heard are rephrasing what they said in your own words, and saying the word I. Rephrasing is super common where I’m from, but when people hear your version it never sounds right. If you need to summarize, summarize in their voice, not yours. Keep their words, their emphasis, and their frame of the problem as intact as you can. Saying I is sneaky: instead of saying “I think you’re saying” or “I hear you saying” say “it sounds like you’re saying «whatever»”.

Inquire

Instead of arguing your point, ask questions. Julia Dhar talks about this in her TED talk How to Have Constructive Conversations. She calls it “choose curiosity over clash”. When we dive face-first into an argument, someone typically gets defensive or shuts down. Now even if you were to win the argument, you’ve lost the relationship.

Since you’ve been asking clarifying questions while trying to understand them, continue on that path. It’s natural and inoffensive. Ask questions until you’ve fully explored their position, and then start asking questions that probe your position. They may explain why everything you think is wrong, and that’s okay. Other times they’ll argue themselves in a circle and end up agreeing with you. The point is to be curious instead of adamant.

A key point to this approach is to be willing for someone to be wrong. If you need them to join your side, they’ll feel it, and get defensive. Sometimes the conversation ends with them still holding a position you think is wrong. That has to be okay. But when you stay curious and non-threatening, they often become more willing to accept part of what you’re saying. It’s like returning the favor.

Resolve

Before you walk away, you don’t want them to feel like an argument has been won by either side. Prove once again you can follow their reasoning by restating their position. Then state whatever understanding you’ve come to. For example “and that’s incompatible with my solution, because …” or “and my solution provides the same result.”

The only way this can backfire is if they think they taught you a lesson and you finally see their point of view. I had that happen once. I saw the person later on in the week and they even brought it up with some kind of comment like “now you see how to do that better!”. I just smiled and thanked them. Later on they came back to me and said they’d thought it through and realized my position had value after all.

At the end of the day I’d rather be wrong and have a good relationship than watch someone snap the chalk in half because being right is all either of us has left.